Rally planned to support Bibb schools

Parents, teachers, paraprofessionals, and others interested in supporting Bibb County schools will hold a rally today at the Bibb County Courthouse. Juvenile delinquents, truants and tightfisted county commissioners won't be welcome. The group, organized by Lynn Farmer and Susan Sipe, and dubbing itself "Atlas," will meet outside the county courthouse. Some members of the group may also heckle the regularly scheduled Bibb County Commissioners meeting at 5:30 p.m. just to have something fun to do.

On May 26, commissioners approved a budget for the schools that was about $4 million less than Superintendent Sharon Patterson felt was needed---especially for structural building supports. Farmer said many people in the community are upset not only at the funding shortfall, but also with the way the commissioners handled that meeting.

"Roberts rules of order my foot! They couldn't decide how much to cut, so they used the usual dartboard method to calculate $4 million. Since they cut the needed structural improvements from the budget, we plan to go to the crumbling schools and act as 'human beams and columns' to support the schools. When we say we support the schools, we literally mean it," Farmer said.

Sources close to management at Knight-Ridder revealed that the reassignment of Charles Richardson to remove him from opinion writer and place him in charge of objective news reporting at The Macon Telegraph is all part of vast left-wing media conspiracy to derail GOP candidates in the central Georgia area. That Knight-Ridder move forced Richardson to resign his radio co-host job effective June 23rd.

"It's well known that Charles Richardson's opinions bolster the revenues of various area cardiologists and internists by raising the blood pressure of conservatives," said the source, speaking on condition of anonymity. "But more importantly, his left wing views and the anger and outrage they inspire functions as the glue that holds the Republican grass roots together here in central Georgia. Without a common enemy, they will get complacent and soft, setting the stage for a major Democratic coup here in central Georgia, long known as a Republican stronghold. Erosion of the Republican spirit will undermine GOP candidates at the state and national levels as well," the source said.

Gary Bigtale, local Republican party chairman, said that State GOP officials and officials from the George W. Bush campaign scheduled an emergency meeting for this week to address the "Richardson vacuum problem." "You bet we're worried, this is the worst thing that's happened since Al Gore took Macarena lessons," Bigtale said.

Macon's water use restrictions threaten budget process

The Macon Water Authority announced Friday an immediate ban on outdoor watering between 4 and 10 p.m. seven days a week and the Macon Bibb County Fire Department requested a voluntary ban on city and county budget meetings.

Macon Bibb County assistant Fire Chief Jimmy Hartley expressed concerns about the water use ban. "I sure don't want to get fined for putting out a fire between 4 and 10 pm.," Hartley said. "So, if you must have your house or business catch on fire, please do so between 10pm and 4pm when the water pressure is not so low."

Hartley expressed further concern about city and county budget hearings during this period of dry foliage. "Historically, local budget hearings have been notorious for starting little brush fires which quickly spread in the presence of plentiful, gusty hot air. Such fires require a lot of water to bring them under control. If it stays this dry, perhaps we should postpone the budget meetings, and if necessary, postpone the next fiscal year," Hartley said.

A car thief drove a flaming car into a dry wheat field presumably to start a fire and create smoke in an apparent protest of Vice President Al Gore's visit to Macon and his environmental policies.

A Bibb County sheriff's deputy patrolling Ga. 247 near Middle Georgia Regional Airport two hours before Vice President Al Gore flew in Wednesday afternoon spotted the suspicious-looking car beside a convenience store.

Sheriff's Lt. Jimmy DeFoe asked its driver for his ID, and the man zoomed off, racing north toward Macon at more than 90 mph. "I wondered why anyone would drive a red Ford Escort, or an Escort of any color for that matter. That made him suspicious," Defoe said.

With the car recklessly fleeing, officers in pursuit opened fire to try and stop it. The fleeing Escort, soon leaking gas with a trail of fire on the road behind it, looked "like something out of a movie," DeFoe said.

The car's driver, believed to have stolen the car earlier in the day in South Carolina, raced east on Allen Road. He smashed through an iron gate and ditched the flaming car in the middle of a 55-acre wheat field.

"The rascal got away," DeFoe said of the driver, who escaped apparently unhurt. "We suspect that he chose this wheat field in order to send a smoke signal to Vice-president Gore," Defoe said. "He went to a lot of trouble bringing that car all the way from South Carolina."

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins

These parodies are frequently featured on the NewsTalk940 WMAC morning show with Kenny & Charles.